Short winter, long wait for spring

I think back to February, I mean December, when Titus and I wiped off my new used Japanese Playstation infested with tobacco with Swiffer wipes outside in the snow, in Vancouver, where it never snows, and where generally if I'm ever there in the winter it's February, not December. That was a good brief time.

I miss the days where I was in Japan fearing the oncoming onslaught of decision making that I would have to get done, never really making any decisions except at the last second, never finishing anything until after anyone else would do it, never really getting at what I wanted and finding out after it was already too late to go back what that desire was. I still don't know whether it would've been better to go back to Japan instead of going on to France; is that really a problem, though? Either one would've been good. Either would've brought hard times, and if these times in Paris are especially tough for me, well, I hope they'll reduce my quota for tough times in the future.

I never really faced snowfall in Japan. I think I saw snow, but I can't remember where. I know I heard it snowed in Kobe, but I never went to Kobe. No big loss. But then when I went to Vancouver, it snowed, and then nothing there in Boston. Then snow in Boston, and cold. Then Paris, and nothing. One day of snow, then nothing.

This isn't really winter, or maybe it is. But this isn't the sort of season that forces you to go inside to thaw your nose or threatens the existence of your future children, at least not for me in my experience. The biting pathetic fallacy isn't there. But the hard, lonely times are.

I went to Japanese class today and left it feeling lonely again. Then I realized--and it's important to note (cf Ashish) that you can't really ever get happy instantly after a realization or an epiphany when you're still lonely or sad--that if I left Japanese lonelier than I felt going into it, maybe it's not Japanese that I lack. Maybe it's not the culture or the food. Maybe it's not even my friends over there. Well, no, I think it includes that.

But maybe I can move on from Japan now. Maybe I can. And even if I do return for spring break... I won't feel a hole in my heart going back to France from Japan. C'est ça l'essentiel-- that's the essential part.

Is it a long wait until I feel rejuvenated again? Or is the rejuvenation just beginning? Maybe it is. Maybe I have to undergo a rebirth, but a rebirth in 3000 seeds, 2700 of which don't get planted, scattered away by the wind, and 231 of which get choked in the soil while the other 69 (that wasn't intentional) get what they need. And rebirth in 69 fold: awww yeahhhh.

I seriously might be taking myself less seriously. That seriously could be a seriously good thing. Started.