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I've narrowed it down to two plans - Italy for 2 weeks, or Japan for 2 weeks. Talking to my cousin on the phone made me miss Japan terribly and long for it such that I wanted to shift from Italy, which I had been leaning to. Honestly, I know nothing about Italy, and furthermore have felt out of control this whole time that I've been here. In Japan I'd know what I'd be doing and be in control and see people I love that I might never, no, won't ever see all together again. That's a little painful. Not as painful as some of the other things here have been, though, like the recent hay fever that prevents me from sleeping until I get deadly tired at 4 AM, and then I wonder how I manage to survive through the night, breathing in the pollen on my bedsheets or fighting with the pollen that's accumulated in my body, I dunno.

I guess too much shit that I can't fully handle myself has come up here, and that's what it is that's really bothering me. I feel like I haven't had a good grip on things while I've been here, like, there's nothing here to grip onto. Here's another Friday of not doing anything. Actually, no; I had frisbee and I did that for 2 weeks (not this week because, uh, spring break plans needed to be resolved further). Well, here's another day of not doing anything that I would find really awesomely fulfilling. How much am I going to have to exert myself to get what I want out of this trip? Is the problem not enough effort, too much effort, high expectations, what? There's nothing that I really feel like photographing here. That's another thing that's bothered me more than a bit: I just don't think Paris is as beautiful as even the non tourist destination city I was in back in Japan. There's something I'm not understanding here and I, well, just feel a hole in my chest that doesn't belong there.

I'm looking at pictures of Italy now and 心から(from my heart) there's this feeling that I actually really don't want to go there.

Yep, I think -- I'm not certain -- it's Japan. And if so, it's going to have been an interesting thing to look back on.

Wow. Where is this place that have I been for 3 months? It feels like Paris, France, but without the "France" part. It's never really felt like France.