2 puzzles solved, 1 formulated // Run away, run away!

I realized something now.

The back story of this doesn't need to be told really. All that needs to be said is that something that had a chance of ending without bitterness ended very bitterly. And I've been angry about it for about two days, not very sad but more angry. Not so much angry at myself but angry at the other person.

He's what I've come to understand.

One, there's a difference between sharing intimate details and sharing intimacy. I once fucked something up over someone I shared intimate details with and that hurt me to the core. This has also hurt me to the core, but differently. I just feel angry now. But I shared intimacy with that person, not only intimate details. A relationship with a person with whom you start out on a footing of sharing intimacy is never just going to be a simple friendship. You know the feelings and desire that you have for the person with whom you've already been intimate could be satisfied, and that adds a whole other emotional degree to the story. Hence, this is not an end to a regular friendship but rather to something different. To just call it a friendship is an insult to what it really is and to the word friendship. Neither one is superior (although there are some who don't agree with me on this), it's just that they're both very, very different. The thing that really hurts me about this is that I shared intimate details with that person that I haven't shared with anyone else. But there's always friends.

I guess you could argue that it could've been a friendship, but there just wasn't enough time for me. I would argue similarly that there wasn't enough time for him; he probably wouldn't agree with that or want to hear or see it. So it's over. I saw him, though, like what, 7 times? 8? Let me count... 7 times. Gee, a lucky number!

Two... all my life my friends have been almost exclusively straight guys. This being the era of analysis that bases itself on our differences rather than what we have in common (this is one thing that the French aspire to get right but don't), I noticed this and wondered what difference this makes. None. The difference exists when there is mutual attraction. I thought up until now it was potential mutual attraction. So when you're gay there's a difference, or when you get along without attraction to each other there's a difference. Wow, it didn't occur to me that this applies to my relationships with gay guys but it does. The idea of dealing with potential attraction, two-way or one-way in either direction, has always scared me and I'm not sure why. That's why I'm the most comfortable with straight guys (I don't know any gay women). But potential attraction really doesn't matter; either it's there or it's not, and there's no hiding it once you meet people. You just get along if it's not two ways. Why didn't I realize this before?? My point was gonna be that when guys talk about girls not understanding and vice-versa, it really doesn't have anything to do with one's gender but one's attraction. Maybe I'm wrong. Whatever, I'm just musing. But now I at least know that for me, with my friends, men or women gay or straight, unless there's mutual attraction, there's no difference caused in friendship. And that's a great thing.

And mutual attraction can do horrible, horrible things.

But getting back to this - I'm going to admit that the main reasons I decided to go to Japan instead of Italy for spring break were based on very shallow fears that have a lot to do with the above. For some reason, my mind feels like it's clearing up. I feel like it's because my real back-up, my real bailout, my real lifesaver, it's not where I am: it's my friends wherever I am. And that's a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Thank you guys so much for your help. And my appreciation for you, not my frustration at what's happened, brings me to tears now. (and better tears, because they go away faster... and allow me to save face, save face most importantly from my own critical eye)