Heavy doubt clouds

It's time to write a freewrite.

I'm broken. I'm not sure where to go from here. I realized that whenever I need help, I run away from the people who could help me the most and I don't know why. It's absurd. I don't know why this is true but yeah. Maybe I'm looking for one person who can help me with everything, and I still can't find that one person. This doesn't mean a person for romance - perhaps a said person doesn't exist. But the aggravating thing is that I am RUNNING AWAY and this really sucks. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm being completely irresponsible because I don't understand what I'm supposed to be responsible for anymore. I'm throwing words out, fishing for possibilities and the words are too good; they get too much and they snap my line and I have to go fishing again. The ideas are too good. Where am I?

I'm worried, that's where I am. Worried about my sister. About my parents, but mostly about my sister. About my relationship with her. About how I don't want to leave her alone in a critical time just like I felt I was alone during high school. I remember how much being alone hurt me back then, and I really do not want her to go through the same awful, horrible feeling. I wish I could tell her right at this moment that she never has to be alone, that she could just tell me everything. And I would, but that would wake up my host parents, probably. Fuck this. They aren't my real parents. I need to get back home.

For Easter. But I have a ticket booked to Japan; we're waiting on the verification of the payment. Let me check and see how I would cancel the deal and get 90% of the ticket back (e.g. pay a penalty of $100!!!!)... I'd have to do that before the ticket gets back here. WHY do people allow me to mess things up like this? I don't understand this. I guess they don't know any better. Either. They don't know any better either.

How could my sister have her first SAT on the Wednesday of her one-week vacation? Who the hell had that idea? Oh, my God, I'm worried.

I haven't spent much time with her over all these years and I really know that time is running out for me to make things better, to fix things. There's nothing left to fix in Japan; everything is fine there. There's plenty that can be broken, though. Am I testing myself by having me walk through a room full of antiques to see whether I break any? YES, I am! What the hell am I doing?

None of this occurred to me (with my sister back home) until I called and spoke to her on the phone. And as I was speaking to her, I half-attentively booked my plane ticket to Japan. It actually might have been the very instant before I started speaking to her.

Why am I fated like this? No, it's not that. I'm just weak against fate. I think that after something's over there's no hope, or that I am about to see in full technicolor before me the awful horror picture of what I have just messed up playing itself out. THIS is what I fear the most: this horrible horror picture of my own making. When I was a kid I couldn't even look at embarrassing moments on the movie screen; I would literally turn my head around and bury it in the seat. Even nowadays I laugh it away as much as possible and sometimes can't look - but everybody does this. But me especially. There are these pseudo-PSAs (public service announcements) on the train that... well they aren't even pseudo-PSAs, I don't know what they're there for, but they say, anyway

...I just lost the rest of this freewrite because AIM restarted. Dammit. It was getting to be really really good shit. About me being swept away like a pillar of salt and falling like a tree in the woods - nobody's there to see it. And how I really hope that God takes care of my sister and the rest of my family at home, because I feel utterly powerless to play my role.

Dammit. I threw too many words out and I lost the meaning. But the feeling is still good.

I need to stop. Somewhere. Along. The line.

I added "of my own making" just now to the "horrible horror picture of my own making" part. One thing you should realize though is that nothing is ever just made by one person. There is always outside contribution, conspiracy with the outside.

Which means that I'm not completely responsible for everything I mess up and shouldn't feel like the only one who deserves to be stoned. And most importantly - I am not alone in this world.

The parts before "The line" were all written in my AIM profile.